


coercion my body i can't stop you, but you can't have my mind or my willingness

by lover_of_blue_roses



Category: Grimm (TV)
Genre: Everything is Messed Up, Fucked Up, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Coercion, So messed up just message me if you have concerns, Suicidal Thoughts, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, almost brainwashing, is totally skippable if you just want the angst, rape under the influence, rape with an 'unconscious' person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-04
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2018-12-10 23:14:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11701878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lover_of_blue_roses/pseuds/lover_of_blue_roses
Summary: Based on ChibiAyane's 'Claiming Your Grimm.' Can 100% be read alone.Sean claims the Grimm as his mate without his permission and this wrecks Nick's psyche. [ An dark twisted exploration of ChibiAyane's story with the terrible real life implications that fiction doesn't need to concern itself with.]





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Claiming Your Grimm](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2195553) by [ChibiAyane](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChibiAyane/pseuds/ChibiAyane). 



> To be clear ChibiAyane's story is excellent and I love it dearly but I can't help myself, I just take everything and make it twisted in my mind. So this is fanfiction of fanfiction. 
> 
> It's hard to exactly tag this story because it's magic but : This story talks about ~sexual coercion, sexual assault and future rape / rape threat. Chapter 3 has it in detail, but can be skipped and the story is still understood.

Nick is having a normal day, well… A normal day for a ‘good’ grimm. Chased a witness three blocks after they accidently woged in front of him, just to find out a torn jacket and painful bruise on his elbow from a tackle that they didn’t even know anything. Then his Captain, wesen world royal, calls him to his office.

Renard ominously closes the blinds to office before asking Nick to sit. Nick does and Renard poised behind his desk starts off, “Now that Juliet and you are no longer a couple you should seriously consider us being bonded.” Nick jerks in his seat. He doesn’t know much about bonding expect that it’s the wesen equivalent of marriage, Monroe and Rosalee did it on their wedding night. “I plan on making a different kind of Wesen government than my forefathers. I wish to protect the city of Portland as do you. By now our reputation has spread to all the Wesen in Portland, even the whole Northwestern part of the US, my family in Austria and even the Dragon’s Tongue in Japan. It is important that we are thought of as an unstoppable, indivisible unit.”

“You want us to be married, permanently, for politics?” Nick asks shocked.

“Yes but but don’t get me wrong. I find you attractive but having a Grimm goes beyond that, its power and standing over my enemies,” Renard says casually.

Nick doesn’t know where to begin, so he leaves and goes to Monroe. In the hopes that explaining it to another will make it more clear to him. The whole half-zauberbiest half-royal, his boss and police captain, wanted to get married, in a ceremony that involved sex, that would be unbreakable forever, there is no wesen-magic divorce, and would mean that Nick couldn’t ever date or hook up with anyone less, forever, ever, for… a political advantage? “What? That’s not just me that’s-” Nick waved his hand to express disbelief after telling Rosalee and Monroe that both seemed to take this very calmly. 

“No, he has a point. Being bonded would really mean something. Like a physical proof of your commitment to being...Not so like your ancestors,” Monroe said gesturing with his beer.

“It would also give you protection against the other Royals, this would be a big and clear warning. Anyone who would want to go after one of you would deal with both of you,” Rosalee added.

Nick was still shocked by the whole absurdity of it all. But his friends feel that he just refuses on principle, which he to a certain extent is.

"Would being bonded to Captain Renard be such a terrible thing?" Rosalee proposes and before Nick can formulate an argument adds, "He's not doing this lightly. It is just as seriously life binding for him too."

Monroe piles on, "I don't know that I can wholly objection to his blunt method.He is a man and you've only ever been known to go for women. If he doesn't do it this detached, political way honestly Nick- You probably wouldn't have ever given him a chance. Do you think he could have won your affections?"

Nick folds into himself and sighs, "I wish didn't need me though. It's always me, why can't it be enough that I fight and bleed for this cause, must I know give my life too?"

Monroe makes a 'yeah, basically' gesture. "But that's the point. It's a proof of a life commitment. You're already a pillar of the Wesen community with the Eisbibers Lodge. More than a pillar man, you're a frickin' load bearing wall. You leave, it all collapses. People are relying on you for protection." 

"I-I just don't understand." This is the core of the matter but Nick understands that he must deal with this responsible and can't just hide under his bedcovers, he is a Grimm, what is feared not what is afraid. "I don't understand what will be accomplished with this. If he wanted to bond with me because he's attracted to me that a different matter, and he did- he... He did state he found me attractive. But he told me his motivation was the authority and control a Grimm would give him." He feels overwhelmed by the feeling of being inadequate somehow, the break up with Juliette, his long term girlfriend almost-fiancee, still raw. "Why does he need me? Can't be build his kingdom on his own? Then what? Once it's established what he going to do with it... With me?"

Rosalee's expression softens with understanding but not agreement. "I don't know but I trust him, like I trust you. To be different than his forefathers, build the kind of Wesen government that will at least be the lesser evil compared to the Royal Families and at best be an equal just society like is rumored in myths and legends." She pauses and lets her conviction sink into Nick. Calm, ration Rosalee is on Renard's side. "We've now seen the collateral damage the Royal Families are willing to try to stop or capture you. Whatever he is doing, if it overthrows his family, is not a greater threat."

Monroe returns to the bigger picture thinking. "Anyone and everyone who is a serious threats knows you two work together. If you up and disappear, if you run away from this, all the vultures and the bottom feeders are going to move in and try to take over. They are going to see the opportunity and feel the weakness. They will probably think that the two of you separate are easier picking and their only time-frame to kill either or both of you. I'd personally rather see you and Renard bonded than to see both of you dead."

Nick ditters on his decision for a week, he feels like he has no choice in the matter. And the more feels like he can't chose the more he does not want to chose. But this is too long for the captain. Next they see each other, it is near a crime scene, in an underground parking lot. Renard presses him for an answer but makes it clear he won’t accept anything but a yes.

Sean then snaps and lunges forward. He violently ravished the detective’s mouth. He bites at Nick hard enough to draw blood and bites his own tongue to have the blood exchange be complete. Nick physically tries to pull back but the tall zauberbiest captain has a firm whole of his mouth long enough for it to all go down, which is only half a dozen seconds. When Renard does release him it is only for him to woge and bite the Grimm’s neck. Nick knows the bond that exists between them now. He can feel it in his mind. Unconsummated. He jerks back. The horror washes over him like waves, and the brave, revolutionary Decapitare runs away.

He goes home and locks the door. But it is not enough. He feels unsafe and unclean. The bond in his mind, in his body, feels gross, sticky and slimy. Nick is suppressing his feelings, shoving into the back of his mind, making them smaller and smaller to try and deal. He feels so unsafe that he dare not stay in his home. He packs a bag with a few changes of clothes, all of his guns, an axe and some knifes and a Grimm diary all about Wesen bonding. 

He empties out all his caches of money. Almost three-thousand dollars and takes it all. He doesn't know if it will be enough. He doesn’t know if anything will be enough. Disguised with a beanie and sunglasses he slinks away, checking into a hotel ten miles out of the city’s border. 

He goes to his hotel room and feels himself start to fall apart. He tries to hold it together as he shakes. He closes all the curtains and pushes both nightstand in front of the door. Only when he is locked in alone does he start to cry. He is almost tearless in his sobbing. Great, big, heavying breathes that stutter and shake of him as he curls into a ball on the floor. The bed's too comfortable and Nick doesn’t want to be comforted. There is no making this better. Nothing will ever make this better. He pulls the blanket of the bed and lies there for what feels like hours but isn’t even one. His eyes leak only a few tears slowly, he can’t either slow them down nor relinquish control enough to let them run freely. 

More than pathetic and pitiful, Nick feels filthy. Dirty and used. Nothing but a pawn for the prince to use. Nothing more than a tool, to be claimed and throw away, regardless of his feelings. Nick knows, intellectually that he should be angry with Renard and to a certain extent he is, but Nick is angry with himself. For it is his identity that has been changed against his will. It is Nick’s self and his future that are forever different now. 

In a blank fog, Nick lifts himself from under the blanket and off the floor, and heads to the bathroom. He takes a shower with his clothes on. He stands under the warm water, letting the weak hotel water pressure soak him. He curls up on the floor of the shower in his stiff clothing. His drenched clothing cling to him as he grasped in mental agony. He wants to process what just happened to him but at the same time, he wants to deny this painful labeling as being his. 

He was just sexual assualted by his boss. 

He let's the sentence hang there like somehow it will become untrue, or will lessen. By forcing, FORCING, this bond on Nick, a bond that will demand to be consummated, he has sealed Nick's fate to be raped. There is no way around that word either. Sex without choice, before or during, is and must be rape. Unless Nick can twist his mind to accepting Sean, to consenting. But he can't, he can't, he can't even deal with the possibility of it...

His mind oscillates between pure mental anguish and blank nothingness. He feels much like a hamster running in a wheel. All that effort but not going anywhere. Round and round. His skin feels clammy and sticky where the water does run.

Somehow, he manages to pull himself together, at least a little. He doesn’t summon enough will to stand but he does sit up. He takes off his clothing, one article at a time. He then rubs himself raw with a bar of soap. He is careful to avoid the avoiding wound that is his bond mark. Normally his bond mate's salvia will be used to seal the wound and lessen it. But there was no way Nick could be around Sean right now, let alone let him lick him. The very idea of being that vulnerable near him ever again makes Nick both what to carry a dagger at all times and throw-up in horror and disgust. 

Nick gets out of the shower and avoids his reflection in the bathroom’s mirror. It’s unusable right now due to the steam but Nick doesn’t want to risk it. As though what Renard has done has left stains on his skin rather than a small though heavily bleeding bite mark.

He calls in sick to Hank, leaving the ‘how long’ unsaid out of uncertainty. He lies back down on the floor on his towel and under the blanket. He spends again what feels like hours laying down staring at the ceiling. His mind does in more circles, still a hamster in its wheel. 

What it boil down to is three options. Because in the end Nick is forced by Renard into an unstoppable bond. There is no escaping that, this bond is his future, his fate. The bond will slowly turn Nick more and more lustful towards the Captain until it is consummated. Nick must have sex with Renard, either now, giving in to his rapist or later when he will be so dangerously delirious with lust that he will have no pride to stop him from begging to be raped. The third option...

The third option is extreme. But then again being bonded, married permanently for life in an unchangeable way, is also extreme. There is the hope, the idea that maybe, things will get better. This too shall pass. That just being... 'That just because their relationship starts abusive, doesn't mean what?' Nick snides to himself. He sees no light. There is no hope.

Nick henceforth has the variation of these three options; to protect his pride and sense of self by waiting late until the last moments either by sheer will or by forced isolation before consummating the bond; go now and have his will that makes him a formidable foe and strong Grimm be crushed by Renard’s ambition; or kill himself and ruin the Captain's plans.

Suicide... Death by no other acceptable options.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And now this story has taken a weird turn, but it was the only way for me to discuss what happens next. There will be chapters from Sean's perspective (assuming I don't abandon this story).

The bite mark throbs. That is Nick's first thought, the wound's presence. When he stands from where he slept on the floor, the towel is covered in his blood. He reaches a hand up to touch it and his hand comes away sticking with sluggishly oozing blood. He is so numb from his decision it doesn't even really hurt. 

He mops up the blood from himself the best he can before bandaging it up. He doesn't know if it will actually full close on its own or if only with ... 'the mate's' salvia will it close.

He wanders out of his hotel room and walks into one of the numeral forests that surround Portland. Maybe he'll get lucky and stumble into a Blutbad's territory who will kill him. He huffs at his morbid humor. It's not a real life, he has no more real feelings. As though last night he put all the terror, horror and disgust behind such a thick wall that even joy and happiness are now lost to him. The sooner he does this, the better. The only thing keeping him going is his decision but for whatever reason he is hiking in the woods.

Actually... he knows the reason. He doesn't want to die. Much the same way he didn't want to be a Grimm at first, but as that was the only option he tried it and learned to love it. He could try... Renard is...

Nick shakes his head. He is dithering, trying to worm his way out of his decision. He must act now before fear changes his mind for the worst. He returns his car and pulls out his service pistol. Giving his life to the force one way or another. In protection of the citizens, in serves to Renard, in death. 

There is an unconcerned knock at his window, it is a wesen. They are woged into one he has never seen. He rolls down his window and doesn't touch the gun in his lap as to not frighten them away, always the good cop. "Mr Grimm, I don't mean to alarm you but my Wesen natural alerted me to your thoughts and," they gesture, "imminent actions." Nick seems his face frowning but can't truly grasp whether it is anger or frustration. The flustered Wesen holds their hands up placatingly, Nick must be Grimming unpleasantly, "I have no power to stop you and no interest in that either. But you see, my kind Elendmord, we feed on sadness and misery. In exchange we can provide them relief and time away." The Wesen shifts its weight and finally unwoges. They are clearly nordic, with light white blond hair, eyebrows and eyelashes; but there gender is still unclear.

"We separate your consciousness from your body and put a construct 'at the reins,' in control instead. It can feel like death for you, no memory or consciousness of anything, or like a deep relaxing sleep, where and when you will feel time pass and have vague-dream like recollections of what happens. You can switch between the two at will and you can do this forever or you can expel the construct at any point. The construct will act and move like you, due to muscle and implicit memory."

"The way people with amnesia remember words and how to talk and write even if they don't remember ever learning them?" Nick interjects.

"Exactly. Due to your environment and nature your personality will seem probably be largely unaffected. But emotional you will not have history or connections to anything, so people close to you might notice. This is not a clone, it's more like putting your body in auto-pilot. It's-"

"Yes," Nick interjects. He thinks about checking the Grimm diaries for the truth of this but he doesn't care anymore. He wants to keep up his meaningful good work as a Grimm and this might allow him to do so. If it doesn't... The worst case scenario this Wesen takes his powers and terrorizes people with it. Doesn't really sound different than normal Grimms. "Yes," He affirms.

The creature woges in surprise, "Oh, okay." They are clearly nervous and bashful. They gently pass a hand over Nick's face, their eyes lock onto each other. Nick can clearly feel 'something' trying to make him unconscious. He doesn't fight it. 

The next thing he knows is indend a fog like state of mind, he has no details he just knows that the construct is returning home and returning everything where it was before his fugue state. He just gets almost bullet point like information; few, maybe one every six hours. 

We went home.

We check in with work.

Food, sleep.

Work.

Renard. Renard! Nick feels his consciousness just... detach. Sometime later he awakes to the vague world. So that was the death state the Elendmord spoke of. He clicks in with the construct natural giving him the vague rundown. Bonding over. Done. Forever. Stuck with Renard. The construct using his memories assumes that he should 'behave himself' as though he was a loving doting 50's housewife. Not because Renard deserves this but because it is the easiest way to present a united front and be that much stronger for it. Nick can't help but agree, this must be done but he doesn't want to do this. But he's not doing it, his construct is and that's fine with Nick. 

He is quite literally getting everything he wants though it does not feel this way, the construct has no concept of leisure, hobbies, interests or passion. It makes him efficient but it makes it boring, horribly uninteresting to see even in this dream state.

'Has anyone notice?' He asks before fading. The construct expresses that because of the upset in his life, people assume that's the cause and haven't noticed, it doesn't think they will either. Nick lets this sad, lonely thought be his last before return to 'death.'

He is violently, abruptly woken with a jolt. The construct is gone, and has left no information. Nick has no idea where or when he is. 

"He... He should be dead!" Screams a voice. He sees someone go down in a hail of bullets and then his vision is blocked by Renard's concerned worried face hovering over him. 

"It's okay, Marcus is dead. You," he sounds disbelieving, "Are going to be fine."

Nick can tell by the faint marks on Renards face that maybe five years have passed. Renard looks at him with love.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has detailed sex (which is non consensual although it is not written as rape) and is from the 'rapist's' perspective that doesn't see this as rape and thinks his partner wants it. There is an additional consent note at the end, in case that could also be triggering.
> 
> This chapter is just sex and does not advance the story, feel free to skip it if this might be triggering (no flames, this was your warning)

Four years ago...

After Nick took off using his sick days after Sean marked him, he thought he won't see the Grimm for sometime. That something would need to happen in order for Nick to return. But much to his surprise, two days later he returned. 

Nick wore a blank masking expression when he stopped being cowardly and faced Renard. A small step in the right direction, thought Sean. They spoke in Renard's office and Nick made it clear that he had accepted reality. Saying "Let's just get this over with now," accepting the inevitability of what must happen. 

Sean was more than happy to comply, taking him at the end of the work day to his apartment. There, Sean brought him to his bedroom. He carefully looked at Nick's face He seemed to be not expressing anything, rather than wearing a mask of calm over the turmoil he must be feeling. Sean understood that he had put Nick in a difficult situation and attempted to improve the mood. He pressed the young detective against the bed posts and kissed him, deeply. Nick was actually responsive, more than the impassive wall of unresponsiveness that Sean imagined. 

It was possible that Nick had feelings of attraction towards his boss but simply didn't like the circumstances he was being strong-armed in, still he was rational enough to expect that if there was no stopping this, he might as well enjoy it. Renard pushed himself even closer, pressing his full body length against Nick's. When closer their height difference was more significant and so now Sean slotted his leg between Nick's making him have to straddle up onto it to be higher up. This position caused there to be more pressure caused by gravity rubbing and pressing against Nick's groin. Sean snaked his hands under Nick's shirt and ran them along his bare torso. 

Nick's body was quite responsive, twitching and shuddering under his feathered touch. Sean broke their kiss to trail his hot mouth on the underside of Nick's jaw, running the pad of his tongue against his five o'clock shadow. His eyes were blank and vacant but still blown wide with lust. Sean thought that his zauberbiest would detect if the detective had drugged himself orally but it's possible that in order to take part in something shamefully that Nick believed that he should not be wanting he had done such a thing to lower his inhibitions and calm himself. 

Sean barely cared, having previously thought that Nick would probably only consent to the pull of the bond when very drunk. In the end, Sean thought, Nick would come to stop denying himself and learn to love this. While creating the bond only demanded sex once, a Wesen-Kehrseite bond would require to be sealed with repeated and continual physical intimacy. If Nick did not, the mental sensation of their bond unraveling would be so painful it would end up killing the Grimm. Sean was going to get everything he wanted, money, power, sex. They were all his to seek, his to get, his to have. 

He pushed Nick onto the bed and straddled him. He ran his broad hands over his torso, kneading his pectorals and rolling his nipples between forefinger and thumb. Nick couldn't help his moans and breathy whimpers. Sean could feel him grow hard where they were pressed together. He finally pulled back to yank up and off Nick and his shirts. Nick has a dazed, bored aroused look. He lowered back down to kiss the detective. Nick was passionate and giving as good as he got but he somehow still felt robotic, as though going through the motions. Sean would maybe mind, if the bond wasn't pulling on him so hard. 

Instead he grinds down on and feels the flames be stoked within him. He just can't take it anymore, Nick seems to be as much in the mood as he will get. Sean opens his jeans and pulls out his dick, he does the same to Nick. To his surprise, Nick is actually just as fully hard and his dick twitches in Sean's grasp. Sean smiles as he mouths at Nick's neck. He wraps his hand around both of them and strokes up and down. Nick responds with some initiative, thrusting back and forth. Nick whimpers in a way that Sean doesn't think is just pleasure. Sean too his having this problem, not enough lube. Fortunately there is some just nearby in the nightstand and he pours just a small dollop before continuing.

Nick is non-verbal but response to his action positively, sighing exotically into Sean's ear as he begins to thrust again. He kicks down and off his pants. Sean can feel himself growing closer and closer. When he judges them both to be riled up enough, he orders Nick to get on all fours. Nick, himself, without being told takes off his pants. Then Nick obediently flips onto his stomach and raises his perky ass in Sean's direction, spreading his legs in a way that shows his asshole wholly. Sean scoffs, whatever Nick has done to make himself have less inhibitions is certainly wonderfully and leaves Nick no leg to stand on when he isn't under the influence.

Sean possessively runs a hand over his firm globes before pulling to the side to watch Nick's asshole distort and wink at him. He lubes his middle finger and slowly sinks it into him. He goes all the way to the hilt before crooking it and dragging it back out, purposefully catching it on his rim and pulling. Despite any possible unhappiness, Nick's muscles are relaxed and he can easily add another finger. Only now is there some resistance that Sean loosens by scissoring him and thrusting in and out. He adds a third finger quickly and know the stretch is really creating the sensation of filling because Nick moans and twitches around his fingers. Sean is now able to find his prostate and rubbed over it with every stroke until Nick's back is dotted with sweat.

At this point, Sean drapes over the Grimm's back and removes his fingers. He press his hard cock as the lubbed pucker and slides against it, teasing at the rim. He mouths at the bite mark that is bleeding sluggishly. He lathers it with his saliva and gently sucks at it. Nick moans and thrashes under him, getting more and more worked up after having gone down when fingered. He pulls and teases at Nick's hole a few more times before actually pushing in. The first time he only goes in about half-way before pausing and pulling out. He adds more lube and re entered him. Nick is starting to tense with the intense sensation, his arms flexing as he clenches his hands in the sheets.

His body without his mind can still keep his lower muscles relaxed. What happens next is pleasurable for Renard, not just the act itself but the fact of having conquered and triumphed over a Grimm, all that power, the great fear of Wesen, moaning underneath him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sean believes Nick is seriously under the influence, I would say, to the point where he can't consent and Sean continues anyways.


	4. Chapter 4

Current day... 

Nick looks up at Renard's worried face as the tall man hovers over his prone body. Again, he knows he should feel hatred towards his imprisoner and rapist but all he feels is a helpless terror and disgust at himself. As though he had chosen to be a Grimm, as though he had chosen to be of power and interest to Renard. Nick knows it's irrational but the loathing he feels is directed at himself, for he has submitted to his rapist. That's still not his fault but his brain can't seem to tell his heart that.

The worst part -the part that just makes want to kill himself all over again, dive into 'sleep' under the construct- is that Sean looks at him with love. And why shouldn't he? Nick had become all that was to be lovable, not just compliant and obedient but helpful and possibly enthusiastic. Now that the construct is dead... the thing, the person Renard loves is dead.

"It's gone," Nick says meaningful with his hand over his ribcage where souls are stored. He looks at Sean with vague pity, "I don't think -I mean- It's probably gone forever."

"Nick?" Sean asks concerned and Monroe and Rosalee are there. Monroe hasn't changed, still plaid and flannel vibe while Rosalee seems to reflect the changes in fashion, her body however has distended a little differently in a way that makes the young detective think she must have given birth. 

"It's gone," he repeats like a broken record. How can he just live again? How can he do this? Now that the bond is sealed does he... still have to endure Sean?

They take the traumatized Grimm back to Monroe's house as they discuss how he could have survived without ever addressing him or asking him. When they all settle in the living room, Nick speaks up above the clammer. "It killed the thing in me, the thing that was me. The construct is gone, I don't think I can get it replaced. A Seelenfresser, a soul snatcher, gave it to me but from what I understand of them, in the rare cases where the constructed-soul is destroyed before the body it kills the Seelenfresser that put it there. That what that was? A soul destroying spell right? The Wesen Avada Kedavra?"

There is a long silence while the three Wesen seem to have a staring most intensely at Nick contest. "Yes, it was a soul destroying spell," starts Rosalee. 

"What do you mean a Seelenfresser? Were you attacked by one? How do you still have your soul?" Over protective Monroe starts. 

"It wasn't you? It wasn't ever you?" Renard asks more softly with a heartbroken expression.

Nick thinks about lying, about how dirty and disgusted he feels with himself, that he isn't worthy of protection and being cared for but he knows intellectually that he has self-esteem and abandonment issues stemming from the way Marie treated him. So he chooses to do the brave thing, although it is terribly scary and nerve racking, "I don't have memories of anything since the day before we bonded because I had my soul sealed by the Seelenfresser." There is a great cacophony as they all speak over each other until Nick can courageously state his last sentence. "I did it to myself, it wasn't done to me. I did it as an alternative to committing suicide. I just didn't know how else to live with being raped."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how much project can i do  
> oh man this was really difficult for me to write  
> i'm gonna be on hiatus basically until christmas because i'm working on my novel sorry guys (and what little other work i'll be doing wont be on this fic probably because its so hard for me to write [painful not that the words won't come out])


	5. Chapter 5

'I just didn't know how else to live with being raped.'

Then, then there is only quiet that stretches on. Sean's face looks sad at first and then blank, distant. As though he has a right to that emotion, to feel sad when he's the one who did this. He's the one to blame, the one at fault. No matter how genuine what Renard felt was, it doesn't change that whatever they had was built on abuse.

Sean's POV

After that first night where Nick had seen intoxicated and far away, the Grimm seem to come back to himself bit by bit. As though Sean had successfully seduced him with his behavior, but what had really happened was a fake-Nick that had been relearning his own personality with one exception, this new personality could tolerate their bonded relationship. All this time, he thought he had made Nick fall in love with him... Sean was only using him at first, an important ally to have in the fight that he had strong armed into being on his side. Only by strong armed, he had raped him in a horrible premeditated unstoppable, inevitable way. And perhaps worse of all he did grow to love Nick because of course their relationship was easy. Nick never resisted, never fought back, whatever was in his personality to disagree was broken and vanished in order for them to remain together. Nick never initiates anything imitate either, not even something as simple as a kiss.

All this time it had been a fake-Nick and Sean had never noticed until told now, who was blanker. There was just less of him, less personality, creative-thought, intuition. Sean didn't realise because he only ever knew Nick well after he was already fake-Nick. He was quieter as though someone had turned down a dimmer switch on his soul. Sean had just thought that might be who Nick was when not a work, after a day of giving it his all he was more contained.

Instead he had broken Nick until all he had was a shell of a man, just a pretty doll. He should only consider himself lucky Nick didn't break by killing himself after what he'd done... after he raped him, so the victim himselves had claimed.

Monroe POV  
He had noticed obviously how Nick had changed after bonding to his Captain, he assumed it was part of the bonding and afterwards it seemed to have been Nick again. But it was gradual and there was nothing inherently wrong, it was Nick's body with Nick's face and voice and words. Yet looking back on it, he realises all the more clearly that Nick had not really been there. He'd hadn't been distant so much as not there. The construct walked, talked and feed himself but Monroe had noticed that he didn't seem to make small talk, or tell jokes, his resting face was blank and in lack on anything to do it didn't fill time with hobbies or brain-junk like TV. Once in between two errands Monroe had left Nick at his house and after coming back, an hour later, Nick was where he left him, sitting on the couch, staring at the TV screen turned off. Monroe had just thought Nick had just been tired.

That's why they had spend less time together, because Nick had a 'less interesting personality.' And if Monroe didn't invite him, Nick would never initiate anything. All this time Monroe had thought his best friend had become more boring, when really they had backed him into a corner and forced him to comply until he broke. His best friend had been on the edge, contemplating suicide and Monroe hadn't known. And now he lays down the accusation of rape and by all definitions he's right. Just because Monroe had grown up with the idea as though it was normal, it didn't change the facts. He doesn't even remember what he last said to Nick, the real Nick before the construct, but he fears it was for the bonding. He had been on his best friend's rapist's side, avicating for what would happen just because it would bring stability if not peace.

General / Nick POV as previous

The quiet goes on, everyone lost in thought. "Now that we are bonded," he splits that word as harsh as if it was rape, "You don't need me, the me of my mind?" Sean had used his body and now he would use his status as Grimm to ensure his reign.

"I-No. Of course not, had I known... I won't impose on you. You will just be expected to be present and by my side at royal events, that's-those are extremely rare. People know at work, just subtly. We aren't for PDA. Just had to change so that I'm not in your chain of command but your still work in the precinct and with Hank of course, he knows and he's still your partner-"

"He's still my partner?! Good! I had wondered if aside from stealing my freewill and my time, coercing my body, you'd have also taken my closest friend from me!" Nick states with great authority and literally shows more emotion than he has for the last four years but still he doesn't really yell. He's still more sad than angry, broken as he is. "Here's how this is going to go; I will treat you civily at work, I will show up to royal events as needed of me and we will never see each other than that and you never ever impose on me again."

Sean speaks softly, "We live together..."

"Then I will move out." Nick's relationship with the Captain is permanently broken and he has no interest in fixing it, he's been too hurt to ever let it heal. But later and slowly he will reconnect with Monroe and Hank and Rosalee. And reassuringly the construct had not been as good a Grimm and society icon as he is capable of being so he will step up and help the Wesen community. The bond Sean and he share, although it means Nick can never been with someone romantically, will truly be a symbol that helps Wesen have more security and peace than ever before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I screamed into the void and then it screamed back, I guess this is better than nothing. Sorry it's so late but nothing is ever truly abandoned.

**Author's Note:**

> I think it says something, something worrying, if I take three different stories and twist them all into 'I want to write about the mental impact of 'technically not so bad it was rape' victims'
> 
> I think I want to write more about this but man this already so messed up.
> 
> (Some lines are lifted from ChibiAyane's story.)


End file.
